I am here

 "No live organism can continue to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality." that opening passage from a show I can watch on repeat, resonates with me right now. I have returned to my parents' homestead and am rationalizing that soon it will be Dad's house. Ownership is for the living. The aggressive amounts of reality we live under are almost deafening and yet, here we are, existing because we have no other choice. Rationalizing between the mother and wife we knew compared to where we are now. The two are supposed to be one and the same, but the memories collide and fight each other for dominance. The woman I know as mom had long flowing red hair, gold eyes, and a penchant to give you a look that said "fuck around and find out" in one instance and in another "laugh and make jokes". This mom is frail and bedbound, smiles and talks on occasion... but her voice and her fire seem to have been misplaced or dimmed. Like the show, the prevalent themes of our lives right now stem around grief, love, and loss. The subtext of which is we are being haunted, haunted by the memories of who she was and reconciling that we are nearing the end of her story. A story that started mine and my sisters and was several upon several chapters of my father's. They created a life and a story for us to carry and yet, like all amazing stories, they end. It is also making me examine the life that I am creating with my own family and Douglas and how I may not realize it yet, but that story will end and shatter those around me. Hopefully for not some time, but it is a frightening realization, the passage of time. It is easy to say, "I will do it later" "when I retire" or "next time" to any opportunity that comes up. It is easy to dismiss and easier to forget about until you realize that time is finite. It is the most precious thing we have and we squander it. 

Of course, I look at the clock with this heavy topic looming in my head and chest and it is 1:30am. Maybe this is the time that I am most haunted, my demons and ghosts come alive at this time. 

I am also thankful for small mercies and prayer. This weekend was my birthday and I know so many people were wishing that my mother would hang on to get past this weekend and she did. I was so appreciative to see her today, but at the same time, to see the change, my heart felt heavy, as it does now. I looked at old photos today and I cannot rationalize the change from my mom being as I will always remember her, to the way she is now. I guess I can somewhat appreciate that she always saw me as a child, as I will always see her the way I envision. Growth and change, even for the better are hard to accept. 

I should sleep. But grief and sadness make poor bedfellows. Hopefully, I will not dream tonight and that I will just be able to be. 

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