it's the end of the world as I know it, and nothing feels fine.

 I spoke to my doctor today. I needed to for my own clarity of how to get through all of this. I have random bouts of anxiety that seem almost crippling. What is going on with work? What is going on at home? Are my kids doing okay? It all compounds. I miss my children, my life, and my husband TERRIBLY. Nothing is normal and yet there are small routines or checkboxes to move through that get us through the day. 

I spoke to Doug today 3 times and it felt like it was never enough. I wanted more. I video called the kids and my heart just ached because I wanted to be snuggling them on the couch, listening to Sterling crack a joke, or to have Grayson's tiny hand in mine telling me how much he missed and that he loves me. It all feels unbearable right now. I spoke to Doug about coming home for a bit and he assured me I could do whatever I want. But the truth of the matter is that I want to be in two places at once. My doctor (who is retiring at the end of this month) told me that I cannot do it all and as much as I am a super mom, I am no supermom. I am completing something that is heroic in nature but I am neglecting myself. He told me to envision all of the people I need to care for as being in the room with me, myself included, and make sure each individual has some of their needs met. The point of the exercise was to get me thinking about how I am taking care of myself and the answer is I am struggling with that part. 

It is so easy to forget about yourself in the tedium of the day and with taking care of others and Doctor Osborne wanted me to understand that it is okay to fulfill my needs as well as others and look for the balance. I am not going to lie, but I kind of suck at that part. I am so used to being a mom and putting what I need on the back burner that this part of the care seems lost on me. It shouldn't be a foreign concept but here we are and I am learning the hard way. 

Everyone I talk to, tells me that I am doing well in going through something so hard but I do not think that it has fully hit yet, because I still get to see her downstairs. The dichotomy between who she was and who she is is becoming more defined by a large gap. Who she was is not who she is anymore. There are remnants but she is an entirely different person, forever changed by the process of cancer and obviously of meeting the end of her life. To me, dying seems so banal, but so shocking because of the denial of death. The royal we of society and the general populace like to deny what is coming, deny the risk of things because we can live in blissful ignorance and carry on with our day without feeling the constant terror of the impending loss. However, those who are confronted with it head-on do not get to ignore its existence. We get to look at it in the face and contemplate our own fate. There is no denial, only zuul (nerd reference) and the end of the world as I know it. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have heeded my own advice

I have stopped for what feels like a minute.  To take stock, to focus to do all of the required and cliche elements to slowing down and what I can tell you, they are not for me.  Slowing down requires you to actually stop, and I feel like I physically cannot do it, nor does time allow it.  My children have not slowed down with their exploits, nor has time actually slowed down for me to appreciate things, so I speed along with it.  Grayson is losing all of his teeth... he has caught up to Sterling in that regard and goodness, that child is 8 going on 20. He wants to be big so fast that it is alarm at what he is attempting to learn and accomplish, and completely by himself.  He is staunchly independent, like his parents, and all the while they grow and learn at an unfathomable rate.  I don't know who wrote it but I have heard this quote go around that "time is a thief" and when I was younger I didn't really fathom that, I sure do now. My little humans are not...
Read more

Coming back into the fold...

 I have been absent. It has been due in part to life getting busy. Busy with the kids, with jobs, and with living. But that doesn't change the fact that I have stories to tell, well not necessarily stories, but perceptions and observations to unfold for me and share with a couple of people who might feel the same.  My life has been upside down lately. Over the last few years, we have seen a lot of change and loss. But we have also evolved with the good too. The children are wonderful, growing into amazing and unique human beings and that is a wonderful thing to bear witness to. We have been spending time with our people and just generally loving life.  However, that love of life doesn't just come with one emotion, but all of them. Autumn is usually a transitional time where things go back to sleep and return to the earth to wait until a spring awakening. It is also a time for reflection and change, and well, our fall was all about that. I had moved into a new position (no...
Read more

3 years

 3 years of feelings, of joys and triumphs you have missed.  3 years of laughs, of plans, and of trips. We would have wanted to share the experiences with you, and yet you marched out into the great beyond, setting a path for all of us to follow one day. Mom, you were a trailblazer in that regard. The hole you left in our lives is not smaller but somehow we have grown around it. We keep space for you but we are growing and changing everyday.  Things I wish I could tell you: - I turned 40. You were amazed when I was turning 37 and somehow 3 years went by and now I am 40.  - Grayson and Sterling have grown and are little dudes now with all of the humour and ridiculousness that they seem to muster. You would be in stitches for the things they say.  - Sophia has two more years and then she is off to post-secondary. How they hell did that happen so quickly. Your Diva misses you.  - Dad is going on a trip with us and has helped us significantly. You would not app...
Read more