Trying to be okay

 I am trying to be okay, a sort of fake it until you make it sort of deal. But in the end, I know there is no going back to being okay for a while. I am being changed by this process. My mom is dying. I sit here in limbo thinking of all of the things I would like to be doing and lament that I cannot do them. I want to be enjoying March break with the kids, at home, going "bogganning" but I can't. I want to be snuggling my tiny muggles but I am away. I want to get back to doing things for work, but I don't know when I can do that. It all seems so tricky and so confusing. My mother had a seizure... a big one last Thursday. That was the first day I was home in a while, saw and cuddled the kids, had a nap and then got a phone call that I had to leave to get back to Bancroft. I have been here since and I am feeling trapped by the unknown. I know that my mother is dying, I have known this for weeks. The steady decline of her condition and now the inability to go anywhere to be here for when my mother passes is a hard one. 

I have heard some people say, just bring the kids up to you... but the reality is, is that experience is traumatic and I don't want their memories of grandma to be tainted by the person she is now. The kids love grandma and if they were to see her now, it would hurt. She has already had a situation of forgetting Grayson and myself and I don't want that to happen to the children that will remember it. 

Basically all of this seems to suck and I am stuck waiting to see what happens next. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have heeded my own advice

I have stopped for what feels like a minute.  To take stock, to focus to do all of the required and cliche elements to slowing down and what I can tell you, they are not for me.  Slowing down requires you to actually stop, and I feel like I physically cannot do it, nor does time allow it.  My children have not slowed down with their exploits, nor has time actually slowed down for me to appreciate things, so I speed along with it.  Grayson is losing all of his teeth... he has caught up to Sterling in that regard and goodness, that child is 8 going on 20. He wants to be big so fast that it is alarm at what he is attempting to learn and accomplish, and completely by himself.  He is staunchly independent, like his parents, and all the while they grow and learn at an unfathomable rate.  I don't know who wrote it but I have heard this quote go around that "time is a thief" and when I was younger I didn't really fathom that, I sure do now. My little humans are not...
Read more

Coming back into the fold...

 I have been absent. It has been due in part to life getting busy. Busy with the kids, with jobs, and with living. But that doesn't change the fact that I have stories to tell, well not necessarily stories, but perceptions and observations to unfold for me and share with a couple of people who might feel the same.  My life has been upside down lately. Over the last few years, we have seen a lot of change and loss. But we have also evolved with the good too. The children are wonderful, growing into amazing and unique human beings and that is a wonderful thing to bear witness to. We have been spending time with our people and just generally loving life.  However, that love of life doesn't just come with one emotion, but all of them. Autumn is usually a transitional time where things go back to sleep and return to the earth to wait until a spring awakening. It is also a time for reflection and change, and well, our fall was all about that. I had moved into a new position (no...
Read more

3 years

 3 years of feelings, of joys and triumphs you have missed.  3 years of laughs, of plans, and of trips. We would have wanted to share the experiences with you, and yet you marched out into the great beyond, setting a path for all of us to follow one day. Mom, you were a trailblazer in that regard. The hole you left in our lives is not smaller but somehow we have grown around it. We keep space for you but we are growing and changing everyday.  Things I wish I could tell you: - I turned 40. You were amazed when I was turning 37 and somehow 3 years went by and now I am 40.  - Grayson and Sterling have grown and are little dudes now with all of the humour and ridiculousness that they seem to muster. You would be in stitches for the things they say.  - Sophia has two more years and then she is off to post-secondary. How they hell did that happen so quickly. Your Diva misses you.  - Dad is going on a trip with us and has helped us significantly. You would not app...
Read more