Symmetry

 There is a certain level of symmetry that comes with dying. The subtle reversion to a child-like state is unsettling. Things I have bought for my kids that I thought they had grown out of are now being used in end-of-life care. Things like bed rails, baby monitors, etc. Her looking up at the trapeze grab bar is almost like she is an infant looking at mobile. There is a simplicity to how we go, but she is still here, somewhere in there she exists, her sass, her smiles, and her strength. It is an odd combo of frailty and autonomy that i am not sure I fully comprehend. Things are tough, things are simple, and yet things are where they are, minute by minute, second by second. 

It warms my heart to see how my mother lights up around my husband and it reminds me of a time not too long ago when it was our little Sterling who lit up like that. Same smile, same eyes. I know what I passed on to my kids and I know where I got it. It is an odd thing to see the same face at the beginning of one life and at the end of another. Symmetry is a bit of a bitch sometimes. When he was little we watched growth and now with my mother we are moving in reverse. The Decline. It seems fast, too fast and yet. This is where we are. Watching it steadily with the same type of amazement a new parent does, but also with horror and sadness. 

None of this is easy. 



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