Atalist's Dungeon

 A great friend of mine and I had a midnight chat the other night. It wasn't like other nights where I stayed up too late having a good time. This was a time when I felt stuck, stuck in my grief and the realization that the moment the bells chime and the ball drops tomorrow, my mother will be lost to time. There have already been so many things that she has missed but the close of a year brings finality to it.  It is a hard thing to accept and yet time moves on with or without my realization.  New years is a hard one because it is the end of this year, a year my mom won't escape, a new year she won't see. It is a period at the end of a sentence that is finished being written but so much has been left unsaid. I recognize that we die in the middle of sentences and that our books never truly finish when illness causes an end. It is always a tragedy. They are always too young, too kind, too [insert sentiment here] and yet all those kind words wound. It's funny that the w...

Every time I see a post on social media about cancer I feel the immediate urge to run away from my computer and all forms of social media, never to return. Don't get me wrong, leaving social media would not be terrible, but the trauma I am experiencing has a correlation with cancer. My mom died from an aggressive form of lung cancer. It was horrific and reduced my mother to a shell of her former self. Now when I see posts from my friends who are actively seeking comfort and sympathy for what they are going through, I want to run in the opposite direction and not emotionally invest my time in them. That is the troubling part. I call some of these people friends, and yet I look at them now with grey-colored glasses. I am fearful of investing time and I am scared that I will lose them too. That is no way to live and yet I have more work to do with the trauma I have gone through. It feels like it was a lifetime ago, and yet we are still within the first year of losing her. We are still...

 I feel like I have been away from life.  Away from friends, family and just generally distant. It's not that I want to be, it is more or less the constant struggle of this time of year: sick, working, kids stuff... you get the picture. Grayson came home from school with a high high fever. This started a downward spiral of illness in our house which of course left me very very sick. I am currently awaiting test results for walking pneumonia, oh joy. This put a pause on all the things I wanted to do. It hid us from the world for a bit and we were isolated in our own quarantine. It felt like the inverse of 2020 where we were hiding from the illness, but here we were hiding because we were sick. Several hospital trips in the past few weeks has taught me about the dire straights our health care system is in but I don't want to focus on that. Being in that sick void caused me to lose time and then time caught up. We are in the thick of "the holidays" and yet there is no ho...

 Everything that is wrong with me relates to cancer.  I cannot push it out of my head but if something is wrong my first response is to think is this cancer? Admittedly I know all of the different things I could be before I go to the worst possible scenario, but I panic. When mom first got sick we thought she had strep throat... after all it had been going around. I ended up with bronchitis at that time and she thought I had given it to her. We both laughed at that one and I urged her to go to the doctor. I don't want to be like that where I wait to the last possible second to go only to find out the worst, but I don't want to be running there for every problem either. I ended up with a major nasal issue to the point where I had an open wound on the inside of my nose. I went to the doctor and talked about it, but it never fully healed. I then spoke with my doctor this week and their response was allergies... even though I had post nasal drip, I felt like my nasal passage was c...

 I have been trying to focus on the happy moments rather than the negative moments.  There was a weekend where I was up at the island and I looked at Doug while driving the boat and I found it. My smile was there and it was genuine. This morning even after losing my 25 year old cousin to an overdose I was driving into work and a song came on the radio and there it was again, my smile. It's these moments that find me, moments that make me believe that the world has light among all of the terrible dark things. This morning my little little boy climbed into our bed super early, when my alarm went off I forgot that he had done that but it was dark and quiet. I found these little hands and they wrapped around me and all I could do was smile and take in that sweet little moment. He won't be little forever and these moments of snuggles are fleeting. I am happy.  Through all of the dark and stormy parts to this world there are clear skies and smiles. Yin and yang, good with bad. ...

 I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past.  My experiences have brought me here, but looking back to my twenties and even to my teenage years, I barely recognize that person anymore. It is the cringe worthy history of the naive and impressionable walk through life that allows for you to focus on those hard lessons and wince at the notoreity that came with it. I also look at all the energy it took to be angry or mad at people and younger Lindsey had far too much time on her hands. I don't understand how I thought I was so busy then and in comparason I don't know why I complained so much. Clearly with age comes some semblance of maturity and I think a lot of that maturity is prioritizing what is actual important and letting go of things that aren't.  I have been lamenting the loss of some friendships or the lack of time I have to focus on others, but in the same breath some of those relationships needed to be let go. I am not saying they weren't valuable but more...

 This week I have avoided technology... besides watching my tv. (I am not a heathen?!) and spending time being present with my family. It has been a glorious week. We went to Sandbanks, we got burnt, we played and spent time. We had ice cream, and drinks with friends and just generally enjoyed being together. We also had a birthday, an anniversary day, appointments, and fun. It has been glorious but I also feel a creeping sadness with each event. Had my mom been here for Sterling's birthday, she would have bought him an inappropriate toy and giggled at everything the boys did. She would have loved the idea of sterling's birthday and would have been bemused by his creative charm. On the day of my anniversary, Doug and I went and played a round of golf... a favourite pastime of hers. I thought of the commentary she would have displayed watching me play golf and how competitive she could get. I recognized that in myself and then immediately tried to adjust course. it's not tha...

 1 year ago.  It was 1 year ago today that our world changed and you went into the hospital. You were rushed down to Kingston, and we all had to pivot hard. It was a year ago that we found out the cancer was back in a more aggressive form and that you would struggle... with catheter bags, walkers, and that there would be no surviving this. We didn't find that out right away (it wasn't a year to the date) but it was a year ago that you entered the final stages of your life. We didn't know it, but this was the first step down. Facebook memories are lovely until they punch you squarely in the guts and remind you of things that are hard.  I remember getting the call from you asking questions about medical stuff to me... this would not normally be the case as Carly is the medical professional, but I was calling every day to check in and to report back to Doctors. I remember talking to dad later on after you were in the hospital and him telling me that you found it incredibly a...

 I find it funny that two people can have children that are so very very different.  The same genes mixed up to make someone so incredibly different that it is odd that they came from the same parents, and yet here they are.  I look at my sister and I wonder how we were cut from the same cloth. We are very very different. She would rather lounge on the couch while I am outside with dad cutting away the ice and shoveling the back deck and roof off. She is gifted where science and math are easy to her when I actually have to work really hard to understand the advanced functions that she can do off the top of her head.  It blows my mind at how different we are, and how we respond to things so differently. She jumps to anger first and is on the attack. I am more emotional and feel it. If I cry she responds by calling me a baby or some other sarcastic name but if I get to a spot of anger, the tears come and I find myself shaking. Doug even has said he does not understand ...

I am tired of dealing with "okay" I am tired of the connotation of "okay"  I am losing all patience with the word "okay"  that is because nothing feels okay right now.  I feel like I am perpetually being treated poorly by those that should be supporting us.  I will not be naming names, but if you think it is about you, it probably is.  All I have been doing is trying to follow the path that mom gave me and that dad, my sister, and I are walking down.  This is a situation where too many people have too many fucking opinions that they should keep to themselves and stop talking shit about us.  My parents are private. They always have been. So it would track that all of the decisions they have made thus far have been given to my sister and me.  My mother in August told me what she wanted for her end-of-life care and celebration of life and that is what we are going with. This was also confirmed the week before her birthday party.  We are doing wh...

I am thinking.  I sit here and look at you, you are right next to me so it is easy, however, I am never subtle about it.  Subtlety was never my strong suit, but I like to do this to see you. To truly see you. I look at your eyes first. Brightest blue and the shape of them, I branch out from there and see the wrinkles from lots of smiles. I then expand from there to look at your nose, your straight as a board nose that leads to your beard and mouth. I was never a beard person, I was always someone who loved clean-cut, but on you, I swoon. I expand further to your cheeks, ears, and hair... I smile because you look shocked at me like I am being awkward and the answer is I probably am, but I want to see you for who you are, for the beauty in the imperfectly perfect. You are beautiful to me. I wait to hear you speak and listen to your voice resonate in my ears. I could get lost in your words you know, but it is more than that. I am enthralled. I look at your hands now, the hands th...

 I am sitting at work this morning and I reflect on a lovely weekend.  It was mother's day on Sunday.  Rather than focus on the fact that my mother is no longer here for me to hug and get her a ridiculous card, I spent the day quietly focusing on my little slice of heaven. Playing with my children, attending a movie... My kids thought I was sad but I was having major gastro issues that I won't go into here. It was nice. I was also exhausted because Kerry's 50th birthday was on the weekend and we wanted to "do it up" right which meant drinks, food, inappropriate games, and the usual frivolity. This morning, however, is a different story, I woke up happy, tired, and not wanting to get up which is usual, however, what was added was unyielding sadness that Mom is not here. I miss her today, her day lapsed without us being able to spend time with her and I hate it. I hate that she didn't get to tell me I am being ridiculous and to "buck up" I just wanted ...

 Mom's celebration of life, there are so many things that I would like to say but feel like the words are just not going to come. It was a fury of work that lead up to this most perfect day for my mom, pity she was not here but celebrations of life are for the living. We started everything on Wednesday night with dad coming down and me packing all the things... followed up by Thursday's shopping trip and then replacing deck boards, putting up tents, coordinating portapotties, and just general prep. I should mention that my parents have the absolute best neighbors and friends who brought over garbage cans, planters, and really everything else we needed. There was a fury of food making on the Thursday with the family preparing things and we honestly over fooded the place... but that was what mom did, she made sure that we could feed a small army. Our family and good friends (Joyce and Doreen) provided so it felt like she had delivered on the food she would normally make... almost...

 I have been doing a lot of things solo recently,  I think it might be a part of my process in dealing with my mom being gone, but of course, I don't know. She was staunchly independent and in a lot of ways I am too, that came honestly but it's more than that. Normally I am quick to communicate with my family but right now I have a minimal appetite to do that apart from my father. For anyone who knows me, I love talking to people, and for me to all of a sudden stop seems troubling to those around me. For the first time in a long time, people are reaching out to me to check-in. Normally they don't have to because I am quick to call our to get in touch. That has not been the case recently and people are worried that I am becoming too insular in my grief.  To be honest, I don't think that is it, but rather I grew tired of the constant calling and organizing family and friends for my mom. It's nothing against anyone, but now that I don't have to be hypervigilant abo...

 I am supposed to be getting stuff done for mom's celebration of life,  I cannot for the life of me get it done. I feel like some childish notion inside of my brain makes me stuck. If I don't do anything for it then I don't have to say goodbye in that public way.  I have been having major issues with people expecting my grief to be performative and yet it comes at me when people aren't expecting it and then they don't know what the hell to do with me.  Grief is not fucking convenient. It attacks when you least expect it, I say attack because when it comes, it comes all at once without mercy. It punches me square in the throat and in the heart. I feel like most days I am getting through it, but man oh man... does it ever hurt the days where I can't. I don't feel like some of the people around me understand, and I do not have the capacity to explain it some days.  The hesitancy, the exhaustion, the trying to find me again with a huge piece missing. Was she int...

  Wedding Speech for Andy and Jamie Hi everyone, for those that don’t know me I am Lindsey, and for those that do, Hey! I have been friends with both Andy and Jamie for a long time and in fact, I have held other titles to Andy and Jamie, I am an auntie to their kids, I was Andy’s roommate for a time, and His co-worker, “donna”, Taskmaster, “linds” and corrupter but the one I am most proud of is Surrogate little sister. I know a few of you are probably questioning these titles but I assure you that most of them were well earned.  I want to tell a couple of stories today, but I first want to point out how amazing the two of you and the rest of the bridal party look today. I do have to admit I am impressed that you got Jay out of Fishing garb…. But that is because this is truly a special occasion. So back to Andy, Andy and I reconnected when it felt like both of our worlds were imploding, rather than letting it, we found refuge in each other… talking, making crude jokes, an...

 How long is too long to grieve? It feels like everyone has their own timelines of when they think you should be done grieving and getting on with the world around you... and I firmly believe the answer is you don't stop. Things just become less sharp. It's like a wound that doesn't fully heal, one moment it is almost closed and the next it reopens and feels raw.  There is also an expectation with grief that if you go to an event where people are grieving, that your grief will look a certain way. I ran into that on the weekend and could not "act" the part. People kept trying to provoke a response out of me but I was so far beyond numb that I had nothing to give them. No act, no tears... nothing. Just me, blissfully numb and not really responsive.  Do I miss my mom? absolutely... I want to talk to her every day, I want to tell her all the things, but that is not on anyone else's time frame but my own. My grief is not orchestrated. It is not for display and not ...

 With the quiet comes the radioactive moments.  The moments where I can't breathe and when I break into a million pieces.  Today is my parents' anniversary and it hurts to think they didn't get to this day, that there were no more celebrations for the two of them... but at the same time. We will use this day to memorialize the love that they had. If I can say anything, they loved each other fiercely. Through the difficult and the trying times, they were there for each other. That was most evident in the last months of my mother's life. We fought so hard and that was because of the love that was the foundation of their relationship and what brought Carly and me into this world. We had a loving and wondrous childhood full of laughter, and ridiculousness and that foundation is what I base my faith on that my mother is out there. I do not feign to say how she is out there, just that I know that she is.  She sees us hurting, trying to push through and continue to live rob...

 I have been doing a lot of talking about what it has been like to go through grief with losing my mom what feels so quickly, and yet today I am going through another kind of grief. Today it was leaked that the United States Supreme court is intent on overturning Roe v. Wade. For those with no context as to why this case is important I can supply you with the cliffnotes version. Roe v. Wade made access to abortion legal and protected. It was and continues to be a ground-breaking case that set the precedent for many legal proceedings and in turn allowed for Women's rights. It pushed forward the belief of bodily autonomy and allowed for Women to feel safer from government regulation of our bodies. The risk of having to go through an unwanted pregnancy, an illegal and potentially life threatening backalley abortion was something that we moved past as a society, to offer legitimate health care and sexual health for all.  Fast forward to the Trump administration going on the offens...

 I have been quiet.  I have been silent.  It's not that I have nothing to say, quite the contrary, but it has been more that I needed to take time for me, for my family. I needed to just be for a while. My world has been in flux. Death, work, and taxes will do that but it's more that I realized that my whole family needed healing. My kids are dealing with grief and trauma, my dad is working hard to keep himself busy and I am over here, way too busy for words. I needed to stop. I needed to do things for myself for a change. Infinitesimal change is still change. I unplugged for moments. I spent time with my kids, worked around the house, and smiled. It was so needed. How therapeutic and yet, there were moments where the bottom fell out beneath me.  Dad came down to our house for a weekend. It was wonderful and fun. We had cocktails, did some shopping, laughed, ate delicious food, and enjoyed each other's company. However with all of that, there was still some work to d...

Cancer is triggering.  I have been seeing many of my friends and acquaintances struggling with cancer diagnoses and that terror wells up in my throat. I don't want to live in an echo chamber and I know that these individuals need love and support, but all I feel like doing is fleeing. I realize that given everything I have just gone through, facing my own mortality is normal, and yet, I am petrified. My friends of mine are young and have no business dealing with such hardships, but life is never fair and rarely makes sense. I want to be there for them, but I realize that my mother's illness has caused trauma. I feel pathetic to feel this way because their struggles are much more vast than mine and yet here I am, hearing about another friend who is fighting for their life and I cannot bring myself to snap out of this funk. I feel a visceral response to hearing it. It makes me ill to the point where I have no idea how to interact and feel cold. Sweat beads on my forehead and I re...

 Last night I had a small realization that turned into a big one.  I have been, like the rest of my family, busy avoiding the truth. My mom is gone. There are no more hugs left, no more smiles, her future is gone and with it the future the rest of us had with her. It seems so mundane to say it when we all know that is the case, but read it slowly and take each word in for the weight it carries.  My mom is gone.  There are no more hugs left from her.  No more smiles  Her future is gone.  And with it, the future the rest of us had with her.  It is one of those activities that you would see a 5-year-old just barrel through without a thought but this is something that needs attention, needs time, and needs patience. My mom's voice is gone, no longer to be heard. I have all of these recordings of her, all of these pictures and yet, there are no more. There is a finite amount of these things now.  I broke a necklace of my mother's. Rather than larg...

 If you have ever taken care of someone or been a caregiver, you know. But for those that don't ... I wanted to take the time to give it a go at explaining what it was like/ Every day is scheduled. Every moment there is a plan or a protocol in place to take care of the unknown. If you are a caregiver for someone who is terminal and under palliative care, there has to be a plan for the unknown. I remember calling every day when I wasn't up there to check in and see how my mother was doing. I was talking to my dad and giving him a plan for if "insert horrible thing here" were to happen. We had a system. I was "his" person that called and checked in and reported back to the doctors. I had to. I had made connections with mom's physicians and arranged all the logistical ends of things. I was also the contact for all of the caregivers and had to organize care and support. I was the contact for the hospital and also for LHIN and the equipment. God, I can't ...

 I don't think I have the capacity to cry anymore. It still hurts, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am too exhausted. My weekend was lovely but filled with all the things I haven't had a chance to do for my dad. I know that he was singing mine and my sister's praises this weekend but wow... drunk dad says a lot more than sober dad. He told me how I was his number 1, his rock and that he understood why I was doing the things I was doing, and that he appreciated everything I have been doing, getting the paperwork done and the logistical stuff that would be hard... (canceling all of mom's cards, preparing documents, etc...) but that I am there with him every step of the way. My sister is there too but slogging it out in her way... building things in the house, cleaning, decluttering, and teaching him skills for when we are not there. Our focus is on him. It has to be. It has also built amazing relationships between us with our dad. We are a unit and much stron...

I may look happy but I am still grieving.  I am still burning in the fire, I am just getting used to the flames.  There are no tears left, they have burned out of me.  What is left is functional for the most part.  I am going to work, I am getting stuff done...  But in the quiet moments, I have nothing but grief.  This is what I worry about for my father.  I worry that it will envelop him like it does me.  We are so similar because we try to shield everyone from it.  We burn in silence.  I realize my silence is me saying that I am not okay.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am rarely silent.  I am over here quietly being engulfed. 

 It feels like I am living something that isn't real.  It is a weird sensation to have a mom that is gone? Blinked out of existence in an instance and yet there is all of this irrefutable proof that she did live, that she had an impact. There is this longing to call and talk to her and yet there is a constant reminder that I can't. That her voice lives on in recordings and home videos. It is almost sickening to think about it. All week people have been tiptoeing around me at work. Afraid to get caught talking about it, afraid of putting too much on me while piling on the work... just afraid of grief-stricken me, but I am living what I like to call Hysterical normalcy. Manic normality where I am so aggressively focused on the status quo I forget that I am depressed and not exactly okay. I get caught up in the minutia of the day-to-day and then all of a sudden things get quiet and I feel it all at once. The hurt, the pain, and the exhaustion. I am still not sleeping well and yet...

 I sit here with a constant reminder on my finger.  You are gone mom and I am wearing your wedding band as a way to keep you with me. I look down at it and remember all the times I looked at your hands... when you were painting, playing ball, or just general stuff around the house. I have seen this ring on your finger at least a thousand times and now it sits on my finger. I want to call the house just to hear you say hello. I know that is a tall order now that you are wandering the universe, but it is the simplest of things I want. It seems so simple and yet now it is too much. It is weird to have a mom but not have her within a distance. I used to joke that I never wanted to be within striking distance of my mom, but I would give anything for that now. I am as determined as you were... you hung on to the bitter end and chose the time you wanted to go. I couldn't ask anything more than that. There are wishes floating around that will go unanswered. I wish you could have staye...

 I am trying to find the words and I keep coming up short.  My mother, the brave, strong, and resilient person that she "was" is no longer here. She left us for the great beyond on Monday morning and we have been broken for several days. It all seems too much and yet we are still here, trying to figure out how to go on without her. Being a caregiver means that every moment is accounted for and we are now in a situation of painful freedom.  We gladly gave up our freedom, and the thought of peace is painful as we would rather torment to have another day with you. I wish I could kiss you goodnight again, or snuggle... Watching them wheel you out in a bag was the most painful thing I have experienced. I told Jeff that it was okay, I knew it had to be done... I held my sister while this happened after we had said our goodbyes...  Mommy, we love you.  I have no words. Just a shattered heart. 

 I know why you had to go. I know why, but it doesn't make it easier.  Mom, we haven't always had the easiest relationship, and yet I am feeling lost without you. You were always there, even when I was difficult, even when I had to do things my own way, you were there to watch it all happen and tell me I told you so when it didn't quite work out. You were there in the middle of the night when I needed someone to get me, and you were there to defend me and my kids when people were cruel. You were the shopper of inappropriate gifts for the kids and relished it when they opened them and watched my face in absolute horror when I realized the havoc the toy would reap on my household... you also loved it when I brought those toys to grandma's house and turned the tables. I was the child that you didn't always understand but loved anyway. I can't seem to find the words to say what I want right now and am finding even that difficult. I have always been able to find my w...

 Goodbyes feel strange.  They are foreign to many because there is always a hope that you will see the person again, so you trick yourself into thinking that goodbye isn't really goodbye, but see you later.  I am in a situation where I am preparing to say goodbye to someone I love... purely love. As much as I may have hated times with my mom (teenage years were not kind to either of us) she is still the person who came to get me in an emergency until replaced with my husband. I think back to the moment I gave birth to our amazing little Sterling and how she wanted to be in the room and I kicked her out. To be fair they were checking my cervix and I really didn't think that was a spectator sport, but still, my mother snuck back in to meet little sterling as he made his entrance into the world.  My mom at her core was willful, strong, and resilient. All of those fundamental pieces of her are being stripped away. I looked at her tonight, really looked at her as she stru...

 I spoke to my doctor today. I needed to for my own clarity of how to get through all of this. I have random bouts of anxiety that seem almost crippling. What is going on with work? What is going on at home? Are my kids doing okay? It all compounds. I miss my children, my life, and my husband TERRIBLY. Nothing is normal and yet there are small routines or checkboxes to move through that get us through the day.  I spoke to Doug today 3 times and it felt like it was never enough. I wanted more. I video called the kids and my heart just ached because I wanted to be snuggling them on the couch, listening to Sterling crack a joke, or to have Grayson's tiny hand in mine telling me how much he missed and that he loves me. It all feels unbearable right now. I spoke to Doug about coming home for a bit and he assured me I could do whatever I want. But the truth of the matter is that I want to be in two places at once. My doctor (who is retiring at the end of this month) told me that I c...

 "No live organism can continue to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality." that opening passage from a show I can watch on repeat, resonates with me right now. I have returned to my parents' homestead and am rationalizing that soon it will be Dad's house. Ownership is for the living. The aggressive amounts of reality we live under are almost deafening and yet, here we are, existing because we have no other choice. Rationalizing between the mother and wife we knew compared to where we are now. The two are supposed to be one and the same, but the memories collide and fight each other for dominance. The woman I know as mom had long flowing red hair, gold eyes, and a penchant to give you a look that said "fuck around and find out" in one instance and in another "laugh and make jokes". This mom is frail and bedbound, smiles and talks on occasion... but her voice and her fire seem to have been misplaced or dimmed. Like the show, the prevalent...

 I came home today.  I spent time with my children and instead of saying no to the things they wanted to do, I said yes. I played outside for a while, we went for a walk and we played baseball, a favourite past time of my youth, and all the while there was creeping anxiety that followed me around all day. I said see you later to my mom today, but the harsh reality is that I could have just said bye to her for the last time. I am home and I hope that she hangs on, but there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dying. I want her to obviously, but it is more of a wish for her to hang on until I get back. I also realize that it is a selfish one.  I talked to her about some of my favourite memories while I was there and told her why I loved my birthday and that she was a huge part of that. She always made it special. We had parties with homemade cakes, crafts, and different events... usually surrounding the weather because March babies have to deal with the unpredictabi...